Sunday, November 9, 2014


I have pondered on this subject for a while now.  And i have came to the conclusion that YES, i do have a Testimony.

I know that our Father in Heaven lives and loves us and that he did send his only son Jesus down here to die for our sins and for us.  He has set up guidelines to follow. To live your life by. Sure, you might stray, but that is ok, it is not the end of the world.

I don't know if I was lucky or not, but I was blessed with a stubborn mindset. I have never been fully committed to the Church. I probably never will be. I was a follower, just did things because that was expected or what my friends did. Like i have said before, when i was younger, Church was a social place, not a place for religion. I never felt one way or the other. I just had the feelings that if i lived a good life, i would be fine. To some degree i agree with that philosophy. I don't see God playing favorites with just one religion. I might get flack for saying that, but its how i feel.

The number one thing i do know is that their is a heaven and that we have others waiting for us on the other side. I know that we will see all of our passed relatives and loved ones.   And this i know for a fact. I have seen the power of the Lord in that way. I have felt the love from my loved ones that have passed. I have heard them. I am so thankful that we have that to look forward to.

I am not going to apologize for my past posts, my words, my thoughts. It is what i was thinking at the time. It is and was who i am. I am always going to have questions, but some questions are better left unsaid.

I know that this is a short testimony. I don't feel i need to share much right now. I will be better at posting and sharing.

* Please*

Please, Donate to

She needs all the help she can get to find out what is wrong with her and this crappy disease. Anything will help. Also, forward, link, share, post, email, facebook her page to all that you can.

-Quote of the Day-

"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright."- Red from Shawshank Redemption

Sunday, July 27, 2014

When it Knocks, will you answer??

The past few weeks has been a whirlwind. There have been times of happiness, sadness, despair, anger and not knowing what to do. But everything calmed down to where it needed to be at that exact moment.

As most of you know, i am no longer a participating member of the LDS Church. And some of you have asked me why. You seem to think that I am lost, that i am letting Satan take over. That i am following the words or advice from others.  I get told all the time that i should just come back because deep down i know its true.

I honestly can tell you that i know that a lot of the History and teachings of the Church are not true. That is how i feel. I am not going to tell you how to feel in your own spiritual life. Its up to each individual to believe how they want and what they want. But i don't need to be fellowshipped. I don't need to hear how i am damning myself and my eternal soul / family. I know that i will never ever be apart from Liz or McKinley and all of my other family on both sides. I have never believed that GOD plays favorites.  The only people i feel that will never ever get into heaven are murderers, molesters, rapists, and down right just awful people who get joy from the misery of others. I know i am not any of those so so far i have a great shot of getting into heaven or where ever we go after this life.

The past few months dealing with the extreme presence of Liz's disease has opened up my eyes to a wide range of spirituality. Everyday that i was in the ICU watching over Liz. I had time to go out into the little chapel next door and ponder. I prayed. I meditated. I knew that whatever happened was out of my hands. But i did all that i could to make sure that Liz was not going to go out with out a fight. I know how much Liz loves the Church, so i had and have no hesitation of calling my brothers and brother in law to give her a Blessing. I will never ever stop her from going to Church. I respect her enough to understand that is who she is spiritually and it helps her in all other aspects of her life.

I have read books in a wide range of subjects since my becoming inactive in the Church. Buddhism, spiritualism, how american indians worshipped, wiccans, and just a wide range of websites. I take power and inspiration from all of them. Somedays i feel a more spiritual sense to my surroundings like the Indians. Somedays I like to just think and meditate like the Buddhist. Its a daily change that has made me happy inside. I feel at peace with my decision.

This journey i am on with Liz and McKinley has been such a great experience for me. I am not saying its been a ray of sunshine, but every day is a new day with them. Something comes up, we help each other out. We are there for each other. We love each other. We grow. Its a never ending climb to whatever peak in this life that we are ascending to.

 Each day, week, month, year is another step forward to being who we are i am meant to be. We might not know who we have touched, helped, inspired ever, but my hope is that we will be someone to be talked of fondly and remembered for being a better person NOW than we ONCE were.

Quote of the Day:
" We become happier, much happier, when we realize life is an opportunity rather than an obligation"- Mary Augustine

Video of the Day:
" Au Revoir" - One Republic

Sunday, June 22, 2014

I had never felt Real FEAR until.............

FEAR. I hate being fearful. I have always tried to live a life of not being afraid of facing my fears. I have failed in a lot of attempts to thwart my fears of the moment.  Most of my fears come from a deep embedded thought process of not feeling good, smart, or capable enough.  I have tried hard to overcome that. It still wins out in some cases, but mostly i just lower my head and get right through it.

But i had one moment of FEAR that i have had a hard time over-coming.

This happened while Liz was in the ICU. She was going through a major medical / health crisis, due to her Hereditary Angioedema ( HAE ).

  The Moment in question was the day they decided to pull out her breathing tube.  Everything was fine heading into the removal of the tube. They administered her HAE medicine and waited an hour to have it take affect. So after an hour they gave her some medicine to calm her down as they removed the tube and things went from good to horrible in about 20 seconds. She sat straight up and turned dark purple and started to have a seizure and collapsed on the bed. She started to convulse more and they hurry and gave her a sedative and placed the breathing tube back in immediately.  Her stats were all over the place. They asked me to step out so i could talk to the ENT ( Ears, Nose, and Throat ) Doctor. He asked me about placing a trach and i said YES immediately. The Trach was going to be her life line. But i could not think of anything else except that i was seeing my wife DYING. I was watching her last moments on earth. The ICU staff was great, they were comforting and trying to keep my hopes up, by not really telling me everything that Liz was going through, but i am smart enough and have worked as a CNA and have studied a lot about medical treatments that i knew something was not right.

After she was stabilized i sat in the room watching her. Her heart rate was so sporadic, she was having small facial and body ticks/seizures. Her pulse was fast, then slow, then it would race, then slow down. I knew she had lost some oxygen and i was afraid that she would have some permanent brain damage of some sort.
Her body was fighting so hard to stay alive. She had a high fever of 104, and had more infections come and go. It was hard seeing her like this. I prayed silently all the time to have her get better or at least to the point of being able to be stable.

FEAR was winning. I was planning out her funeral in my head. I was planning on where i should bury her,  on what i would tell her parents,  and how and what i would tell McKinley.  And just a whole lot of other things that come along with going through something like this.  It was the hardest day of my life. Comfort was not coming in any shape, way or form. I didn't have anyone to really rely on. I did not want to burden others with what was going on. They had enough going on in their lives.  I had to overcome this FEAR myself.

One of the things that helped my FEAR subside is thinking of conversations that Liz and I had over the past few months and us realizing that this exact thing could and probably would happen.  I thought of those conversations and us talking about what would happen if she died, where would i go, what would i do? To us they were normal conversations, but to others they were morbid and things we should not be worried about. But the thing is that we did and do have to worry about these things.

 The hard part of this disease is that it will eventually end up taking her life in some form or the other. Its a fact. It might be tomorrow, but it could also be when shes 80. It depends on the severity of the attack and how her body reacts.  Its a no win situation that is just prolonged by the HAE medications and how Liz lives her life which has to be the easiest and less stressed way possible.

I know that dying is apart of life. I know that its nothing to be feared and i honestly do not fear it. But i do fear dying alone, and not being able to be a support to someone who dies or is dying. I have a loving and caring heart to everyone and I am so thankful to be who i am when it comes to that.

I know most of you who really know me, know that i have a hard shell and put on a strong front, but i am easy to cry and show my emotions and to be vulnerable when times call for it. I love Liz. I am so glad that she pulled through. I am glad that the FEAR that surfaced while she was going through it is gone. I needed that FEAR. I needed to see that i was strong enough and emotionally ready for something like that to happen.  I am not ready for her to die. I do know that not any one of us is ready for our loved ones to die. But what we can take solace in is that it is a natural progression in this life. Most of you believe that we will end up in Heaven with our Eternal Families and live how we were taught in the LDS Church. Some of you don't believe in Heaven and feel that once we die, we are worm food.

But to me, Death is something that i am not sure of, but i do know that i am not scared of it.

Quote of the Day:

"When we are afraid we ought not to occupy ourselves with endeavoring to prove that there is no danger, but in strengthening ourselves to go on in spite of the danger" - Hale White

Video of the Day:

Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult

Monday, May 5, 2014

Change is never ending....

Today while driving the bus I had the chance to see how life could have been for me and how it could still be for me if I did no not change.  I look at these people and realize that i am just a few bad decisions away from becoming them, living how they do.  Now most of them have always made choices to get them in the shit that they are in, but to me that is just environment and a learned behavior.  I have always known right from wrong. But i sometimes chose the wrong thinking it was right and ended up needing the right path to get out of the crap that i got into.  Sometimes the path closed behind me, sometimes it opened up at the other end, but the middle was a path of darkness and despair.  I had an attitude growing up that i was always right, i would not listen to anyone. Sometimes i would listen, just not let them know i did and i would do what they suggested, and sometimes it work, sometimes it would not.

I am changing. I am changing for the good of my life. The good of my wife and child. I am changing for a chance to live longer. Changing for the sake of changing and become a way better person in the long run.

I am asked a lot why do i blog? Why do i share my feelings, thoughts, and supposed insight? Well i do it mainly for my mental health. I rather get my thoughts out then hold them in. I did that for to long. I held things in until they would explode or end up causing me to do something rash.  I am not sure how much i should share, but if i feel like sharing it, i will. Some of it will not be pretty. I am not going to sensor my self, thoughts, language or how i feel. It is who i am.  But whatever i share, i do hope that it can help who ever reads this in some way.

Quote(s) of the Day:

"People get comfortable with the way you are—they have formed their opinion of you based on everything they see and know about you as a person. When you change that up, they no longer understand you."

"Progress is a nice word. But change is its motivator and change has its enemies."- Robert F.Kennedy

Video of the Day:

 I picked this song because its meaning is so true. This is only a temporary place where we are living. We will all one day die and who knows what is on the other side. I do know that whatever it is, its going to be great and a continuation of the love we have found in others.

Carrie Underwood - Temporary Home

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Where do i Stand????

Its been a few weeks since i have posted anything. The reasons are varied. But the main reason i was trying to think about WHERE I STAND. Not only stand in my personal life, but also my spiritual life and in all other aspects of my life.  And i have learned a lot about Who i am and who i am striving to be.

Most of you know i am no longer a participating member of the LDS/Mormon Church. I did not come by this decision lightly. I was ready to just say screw it and put on the fake happy face that most members have and just live a life of unhappiness behind a fake smile. I could not do that. I can't see doing that and not being honest with myself and with my God / Savior.   I have never been keen on attending Church.  I never have agreed with the notion that we need to attend Church to be counted as good and wholesome in the eyes of God. To me, I was only a number in the Church. I was just someone that was part of the Tax status for them. I don't see a God sitting up in Heaven taking roll and marking off if  I was good enough that week. 

I have always loved the way the Native Americans lived and how they worshiped. They never felt that they were any different or secluded from being close to their God, and in everything they did, they were happy. They knew that the would all one day end up together in the great big prairie in the sky. They weren't worried about every little thing and if it was going to anger the Great Spirit. 

I went to Church last weekend for Easter Sunday with Liz and McKinley. It was comfortable for me since it was my parents ward and i know about half of the members. The music was great and some of the speakers were as well. I didn't take it to heart very much, to me it was the same sch-peel that is heard weekly, but one talk did stand out to me. And Liz and I talked about it a lot this week. 

This talk was by a guy who stated that when he was younger, even before he got baptized, he would feel that he was not worthy to be with God, that he was a sinner and a horrible person. He said even his kids now who are at that same age he was are feeling that way and acting that way. I just sat there and thought about that and felt so bad for them. First off you were under 8, and second off how dare your parents, teachers and whoever else influenced you spiritually put that in your head at that age. And now you are doing it to your kids. I felt so bad for him.  I told Liz and Liz agreed that we are never ever going to teach McKinley that. We are never going to make her feel that she has sinned in anyway that makes her feel that she will not see God or be with us in Heaven ever again. I don't believe in that. 

I believe that we will all one day be in Heaven together. I don't agree with being taught that we will be an Eternal Family, but only if you live up to what is commanded or taught in Church and in the Scriptures. Liz, McKinley and I will be an eternal family.  I don't see God playing favorites or breaking up a family because someone paid more tithing or had a higher standing in the Church, etc, etc.

I do know where I STAND. I stand as a man who has struggled his life with depression, suicidal thoughts and have tried to commit suicide.  I am a person who has dated and loved a lot. I have smoked, drank, and done drugs, i have been to jail. I am a guy who has overcame a hard child hood Stutter. I am not perfect and will never be and that is fine with me. I only live for 3 people and that is myself, Liz and McKinley. Everyone else has no say on anything.

I have made many mistakes in my marriage and i am the first to admit that it was my fault. I am a father and a husband. I love my wife Liz with all my heart, mind and soul. The shit she is going through right now with this HAE is horrible. No one understands completely what she goes through. I hate how people think she should be cured, that once she takes a few rounds of medicine its ok, Its not. She will have this for the rest of her life and in the end it will probably end up taking her life. She is such an amazing person and i am so glad that we are back together as a family. Her and McKinley are the best things in my life. They are the reason i am back in school getting my Nursing Degree and focusing on Infusion Therapy.  I will have my associates next Feb and then have a year and half left after that. 

I am a good Father. I am a little rough with McKinley when it comes to not giving her much slack, but that is because i want her to be a better person than i was and am. She is my light. I love her so much. I love wrestling with her, playing with her outside, talking to her, reading with her, watching movies with her. Laughing at her jokes, giving her baths, letting her show me her POOPS, going on drives with her. She is so smart, beautiful and fun. I never ever thought i could handle being a Dad. Some days are a struggle, but they are so worth it. 

So where do I STAND right now. I Stand right where i need to be. I am happy. I feel at peace with life. I am letting people, things go who don't agree or feel like who i am is not what they expected or live up to what they expect. I am done living a life of unhappiness. I am starting a life of Happiness.

Quote of the Day:       

"I say what i want to say and do what i want to do. There's no in between. People will either love you for it or hate you for it. But that is their problem Not mine."  -Eminem-

Song of the Day:  

Stand: Poison


Thursday, January 30, 2014

Popping up at random times

A few weeks ago Liz and I were talking and I was telling her about a website I was constantly on and commenting on. It is called . It helped me realize that it was ok in feeling how I was about the Church and my years of being a half assed member and that I could walk away from it and not care. So I told Liz that I would get off the website because to me it was making me angry, it was making me feel taken advantage of, and really despising the Church and its bold faced lies to the members and of its past. So I had her change my password and I told her I would no longer long on to that site.  And I have not.

I do not need to go and look for validation of my feelings about the Church. They find me. Like tonight. I was just browsing the online version of Newsweek and this article is on the site.

Before I got off PostMormon I was holding lots of feelings and ill-will towards the Church. I hated knowing that the history that is taught is not what really happened. I hated seeing the Church start to go back on its past and pretty much throw Prophets and Apostles under the bus. To me, the Church is doing what they always have done since the beginning with Joseph Smith which is find something that works, and use it as long as you can and then once it starts to fall apart at the seems, flush it, change it and say it was never doctrine or ever taught or it has been interpreted wrong.

I have lost friends because of my change of heart and stance on the Church. Does it hurt? Yes. Do I understand? Yes.  But I thought my friends would not let one thing get in the way of our lifelong friendship. But to each their own. I am letting them go from this point on.

I hope that if you have Doubts or questions about the Church, you go out and research for yourself, look at both sides. I did.

 Do not do as President Uchtdorf said in his Conference talk about "Doubting your Doubts". They don't want you to break away from the herd and find out what really is out there.

Quote of the Day:

Video of the Day:

Imagine Dragons: Radioactive

Friday, January 10, 2014


This year is going to be year full of Progress.

Progress is defined as:  advancement in general, growth or development; continuous improvement:
the development of an individual or society in a direction considered more beneficial than and superior to the previous level.
I am looking ahead to what this years has in store for in terms of progress, not only for me, but for Liz, McKinley and I.  We are in the steps of moving and starting anew in a new place. Its a great step toward to what we want, need and desire.
This move is going to help me progress in many ways. I am going to be able to develop my skills as a worker and also grow as a husband, father, lover and friend.  I am starting to wake up happy and energized on a daily basis. After a year of being down and not sure where life was leading me I finally have a good course and road to follow.  This year is going to be a great stepping stone for us.
Quote of the Day:
We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.


"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road"
"Without a struggle, there can be no progress" -Frederick Douglas
Video of the Day:
Fighter: Gym Class Heroes with Ryan Tedder ( One Republic )

Monday, January 6, 2014

Honestly, who does it hurt??????

The past few weeks Liz and I have had some discussions about Gay Marriage and Utah allowing it and then the Supreme Court stepped in and has disallowed it for the time being. In all honesty. WHO CARES if Men marry Men, or Women marry Women. What is so wrong with that?? Why can't two people in love show that by getting married.

 The only ones against it are ones who believe in a higher power who picks favorites and thinks that their religion is the right one.

Allowing this is not going to hurt me. Its not go to affect my day to day life.  Its not going to affect me being married to Liz and being a father to McKinley.

The God I believe in does not play favorites. It is not anywhere in the 10 commandments.

The 10 Commandments Never says anything about GAY being wrong. See for yourself:

The Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:2-17 NKJV)
1“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.
2“You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.
3“You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.
4“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.
5“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.
6“You shall not murder.
7“You shall not commit adultery.
8“You shall not steal.
9“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10“You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.”

Nope Nothing said about being Gay is wrong.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

A Fresh Year Begins

This is the year. Its the year to start fresh. Last year was full of ups and downs. I was pretty much separated for 9 months. Living in a extended stay hotel was horrible. I hated it. I did try to put on a happy face and try to over-come my situation, but what I found is that I needed my wife and daughter back.  I missed them so much. It is so great that they are back.

This year I have many resolutions. I am not going to list all of them, since I have decided that the only ones who need to know most of them are Myself and Liz.

I am going to change. I am going to be better. I am going to start living a life that I need and want.

I am going to try to blog daily. I need to. It helps me focus. It helps me vent about my frustrations.

I hope your new year goes as well as you need and want it to.