Sunday, April 27, 2014

Where do i Stand????

Its been a few weeks since i have posted anything. The reasons are varied. But the main reason i was trying to think about WHERE I STAND. Not only stand in my personal life, but also my spiritual life and in all other aspects of my life.  And i have learned a lot about Who i am and who i am striving to be.

Most of you know i am no longer a participating member of the LDS/Mormon Church. I did not come by this decision lightly. I was ready to just say screw it and put on the fake happy face that most members have and just live a life of unhappiness behind a fake smile. I could not do that. I can't see doing that and not being honest with myself and with my God / Savior.   I have never been keen on attending Church.  I never have agreed with the notion that we need to attend Church to be counted as good and wholesome in the eyes of God. To me, I was only a number in the Church. I was just someone that was part of the Tax status for them. I don't see a God sitting up in Heaven taking roll and marking off if  I was good enough that week. 

I have always loved the way the Native Americans lived and how they worshiped. They never felt that they were any different or secluded from being close to their God, and in everything they did, they were happy. They knew that the would all one day end up together in the great big prairie in the sky. They weren't worried about every little thing and if it was going to anger the Great Spirit. 

I went to Church last weekend for Easter Sunday with Liz and McKinley. It was comfortable for me since it was my parents ward and i know about half of the members. The music was great and some of the speakers were as well. I didn't take it to heart very much, to me it was the same sch-peel that is heard weekly, but one talk did stand out to me. And Liz and I talked about it a lot this week. 

This talk was by a guy who stated that when he was younger, even before he got baptized, he would feel that he was not worthy to be with God, that he was a sinner and a horrible person. He said even his kids now who are at that same age he was are feeling that way and acting that way. I just sat there and thought about that and felt so bad for them. First off you were under 8, and second off how dare your parents, teachers and whoever else influenced you spiritually put that in your head at that age. And now you are doing it to your kids. I felt so bad for him.  I told Liz and Liz agreed that we are never ever going to teach McKinley that. We are never going to make her feel that she has sinned in anyway that makes her feel that she will not see God or be with us in Heaven ever again. I don't believe in that. 

I believe that we will all one day be in Heaven together. I don't agree with being taught that we will be an Eternal Family, but only if you live up to what is commanded or taught in Church and in the Scriptures. Liz, McKinley and I will be an eternal family.  I don't see God playing favorites or breaking up a family because someone paid more tithing or had a higher standing in the Church, etc, etc.

I do know where I STAND. I stand as a man who has struggled his life with depression, suicidal thoughts and have tried to commit suicide.  I am a person who has dated and loved a lot. I have smoked, drank, and done drugs, i have been to jail. I am a guy who has overcame a hard child hood Stutter. I am not perfect and will never be and that is fine with me. I only live for 3 people and that is myself, Liz and McKinley. Everyone else has no say on anything.

I have made many mistakes in my marriage and i am the first to admit that it was my fault. I am a father and a husband. I love my wife Liz with all my heart, mind and soul. The shit she is going through right now with this HAE is horrible. No one understands completely what she goes through. I hate how people think she should be cured, that once she takes a few rounds of medicine its ok, Its not. She will have this for the rest of her life and in the end it will probably end up taking her life. She is such an amazing person and i am so glad that we are back together as a family. Her and McKinley are the best things in my life. They are the reason i am back in school getting my Nursing Degree and focusing on Infusion Therapy.  I will have my associates next Feb and then have a year and half left after that. 

I am a good Father. I am a little rough with McKinley when it comes to not giving her much slack, but that is because i want her to be a better person than i was and am. She is my light. I love her so much. I love wrestling with her, playing with her outside, talking to her, reading with her, watching movies with her. Laughing at her jokes, giving her baths, letting her show me her POOPS, going on drives with her. She is so smart, beautiful and fun. I never ever thought i could handle being a Dad. Some days are a struggle, but they are so worth it. 

So where do I STAND right now. I Stand right where i need to be. I am happy. I feel at peace with life. I am letting people, things go who don't agree or feel like who i am is not what they expected or live up to what they expect. I am done living a life of unhappiness. I am starting a life of Happiness.

Quote of the Day:       

"I say what i want to say and do what i want to do. There's no in between. People will either love you for it or hate you for it. But that is their problem Not mine."  -Eminem-

Song of the Day:  

Stand: Poison


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