FEAR. I hate being fearful. I have always tried to live a life of not being afraid of facing my fears. I have failed in a lot of attempts to thwart my fears of the moment. Most of my fears come from a deep embedded thought process of not feeling good, smart, or capable enough. I have tried hard to overcome that. It still wins out in some cases, but mostly i just lower my head and get right through it.
But i had one moment of FEAR that i have had a hard time over-coming.
This happened while Liz was in the ICU. She was going through a major medical / health crisis, due to her Hereditary Angioedema ( HAE ).
The Moment in question was the day they decided to pull out her breathing tube. Everything was fine heading into the removal of the tube. They administered her HAE medicine and waited an hour to have it take affect. So after an hour they gave her some medicine to calm her down as they removed the tube and things went from good to horrible in about 20 seconds. She sat straight up and turned dark purple and started to have a seizure and collapsed on the bed. She started to convulse more and they hurry and gave her a sedative and placed the breathing tube back in immediately. Her stats were all over the place. They asked me to step out so i could talk to the ENT ( Ears, Nose, and Throat ) Doctor. He asked me about placing a trach and i said YES immediately. The Trach was going to be her life line. But i could not think of anything else except that i was seeing my wife DYING. I was watching her last moments on earth. The ICU staff was great, they were comforting and trying to keep my hopes up, by not really telling me everything that Liz was going through, but i am smart enough and have worked as a CNA and have studied a lot about medical treatments that i knew something was not right.
After she was stabilized i sat in the room watching her. Her heart rate was so sporadic, she was having small facial and body ticks/seizures. Her pulse was fast, then slow, then it would race, then slow down. I knew she had lost some oxygen and i was afraid that she would have some permanent brain damage of some sort.
Her body was fighting so hard to stay alive. She had a high fever of 104, and had more infections come and go. It was hard seeing her like this. I prayed silently all the time to have her get better or at least to the point of being able to be stable.
FEAR was winning. I was planning out her funeral in my head. I was planning on where i should bury her, on what i would tell her parents, and how and what i would tell McKinley. And just a whole lot of other things that come along with going through something like this. It was the hardest day of my life. Comfort was not coming in any shape, way or form. I didn't have anyone to really rely on. I did not want to burden others with what was going on. They had enough going on in their lives. I had to overcome this FEAR myself.
One of the things that helped my FEAR subside is thinking of conversations that Liz and I had over the past few months and us realizing that this exact thing could and probably would happen. I thought of those conversations and us talking about what would happen if she died, where would i go, what would i do? To us they were normal conversations, but to others they were morbid and things we should not be worried about. But the thing is that we did and do have to worry about these things.
The hard part of this disease is that it will eventually end up taking her life in some form or the other. Its a fact. It might be tomorrow, but it could also be when shes 80. It depends on the severity of the attack and how her body reacts. Its a no win situation that is just prolonged by the HAE medications and how Liz lives her life which has to be the easiest and less stressed way possible.
I know that dying is apart of life. I know that its nothing to be feared and i honestly do not fear it. But i do fear dying alone, and not being able to be a support to someone who dies or is dying. I have a loving and caring heart to everyone and I am so thankful to be who i am when it comes to that.
I know most of you who really know me, know that i have a hard shell and put on a strong front, but i am easy to cry and show my emotions and to be vulnerable when times call for it. I love Liz. I am so glad that she pulled through. I am glad that the FEAR that surfaced while she was going through it is gone. I needed that FEAR. I needed to see that i was strong enough and emotionally ready for something like that to happen. I am not ready for her to die. I do know that not any one of us is ready for our loved ones to die. But what we can take solace in is that it is a natural progression in this life. Most of you believe that we will end up in Heaven with our Eternal Families and live how we were taught in the LDS Church. Some of you don't believe in Heaven and feel that once we die, we are worm food.
But to me, Death is something that i am not sure of, but i do know that i am not scared of it.
Quote of the Day:
"When we are afraid we ought not to occupy ourselves with endeavoring to prove that there is no danger, but in strengthening ourselves to go on in spite of the danger" - Hale White
Video of the Day:
Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult